Last evening when I took cutie down to the park to play, a friend commented how forlorn and lost I looked, afterall it's my birthday, I should be cheerful. I said I realized, but failed to be happy.....there's a knot in my heart....my eyes kept stinging....she is a wise girl....she said she understood...she said that every birthday we wish that something extraordinary is going to happen in our lives, but it never does, and another birthday just passes by....just like any other day....
I am very good at f****** up relationships. I breed complexity. Inspite of knowing deep down that expectation is the root cause of sorrow, I end up expecting too much, and then fall flat....losing everything I had. Why do I do this.....regret is so painful.....and deeds are so irreversible.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Edgar Allan Poe
Alone
From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.
"The Happiest Day"
The happiest day -- the happiest hour
My sear'd and blighted heart hath known,
The highest hope of pride and power,
I feel hath flown.
Of power! said I? yes! such I ween;
But they have vanish'd long, alas!
The visions of my youth have been-
But let them pass.
And, pride, what have I now with thee?
Another brow may even inherit
The venom thou hast pour'd on me
Be still, my spirit!
The happiest day -- the happiest hour
Mine eyes shall see -- have ever seen,
The brightest glance of pride and power,
I feel- have been:
But were that hope of pride and power
Now offer'd with the pain
Even then I felt -- that brightest hour
I would not live again:
For on its wing was dark alloy,
And, as it flutter'd -- fell
An essence -- powerful to destroy
A soul that knew it well.
Imitation
A dark unfathomed tide
Of interminable pride -
A mystery, and a dream,
Should my early life seem;
I say that dream was fraught
With a wild and waking thought
Of beings that have been,
Which my spirit hath not seen,
Had I let them pass me by,
With a dreaming eye!
Let none of earth inherit
That vision of my spirit;
Those thoughts I would control,
As a spell upon his soul:
For that bright hope at last
And that light time have past,
And my worldly rest hath gone
With a sigh as it passed on:
I care not though it perish
With a thought I then did cherish.
A Dream Within a Dream
Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
Romance
Romance, who loves to nod and sing,
With drowsy head and folded wing,
Among the green leaves as they shake
Far down within some shadowy lake,
To me a painted paroquet
Hath been- a most familiar bird-
Taught me my alphabet to say-
To lisp my very earliest word
While in the wild wood I did lie,
A child- with a most knowing eye.
Of late, eternal Condor years
So shake the very Heaven on high
With tumult as they thunder by,
I have no time for idle cares
Through gazing on the unquiet sky.
And when an hour with calmer wings
Its down upon my spirit flings-
That little time with lyre and rhyme
To while away- forbidden things!
My heart would feel to be a crime
Unless it trembled with the strings.
From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.
"The Happiest Day"
The happiest day -- the happiest hour
My sear'd and blighted heart hath known,
The highest hope of pride and power,
I feel hath flown.
Of power! said I? yes! such I ween;
But they have vanish'd long, alas!
The visions of my youth have been-
But let them pass.
And, pride, what have I now with thee?
Another brow may even inherit
The venom thou hast pour'd on me
Be still, my spirit!
The happiest day -- the happiest hour
Mine eyes shall see -- have ever seen,
The brightest glance of pride and power,
I feel- have been:
But were that hope of pride and power
Now offer'd with the pain
Even then I felt -- that brightest hour
I would not live again:
For on its wing was dark alloy,
And, as it flutter'd -- fell
An essence -- powerful to destroy
A soul that knew it well.
Imitation
A dark unfathomed tide
Of interminable pride -
A mystery, and a dream,
Should my early life seem;
I say that dream was fraught
With a wild and waking thought
Of beings that have been,
Which my spirit hath not seen,
Had I let them pass me by,
With a dreaming eye!
Let none of earth inherit
That vision of my spirit;
Those thoughts I would control,
As a spell upon his soul:
For that bright hope at last
And that light time have past,
And my worldly rest hath gone
With a sigh as it passed on:
I care not though it perish
With a thought I then did cherish.
A Dream Within a Dream
Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
Romance
Romance, who loves to nod and sing,
With drowsy head and folded wing,
Among the green leaves as they shake
Far down within some shadowy lake,
To me a painted paroquet
Hath been- a most familiar bird-
Taught me my alphabet to say-
To lisp my very earliest word
While in the wild wood I did lie,
A child- with a most knowing eye.
Of late, eternal Condor years
So shake the very Heaven on high
With tumult as they thunder by,
I have no time for idle cares
Through gazing on the unquiet sky.
And when an hour with calmer wings
Its down upon my spirit flings-
That little time with lyre and rhyme
To while away- forbidden things!
My heart would feel to be a crime
Unless it trembled with the strings.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Pablo Neruda
Always
I am not jealous
Of what came before me.
Come with a man on your shoulders,
Come with a hundred men in your hair,
Come with a thousand men between your breasts and your feet,
Come like a riverfull of drowned men
Which flows down to the wild sea,
To the eternal surf, to Time!
Bring them all
To where I am waiting for you;
We shall always be alone,
We shall always be you and I
Alone on earth
To start our life!
If You Forget Me
I want you to know
One thing.
You know how this is:if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.
Sonnet XCIV
If I die, survive me with such a pure force
you make the pallor and the coldness rage;
flash your indelible eyes from south to south,
from sun to sun, till your mouth sings like a guitar.
I don't want your laugh or your footsteps to waver;
I don't want my legacy of happiness to die;
don't call to my breast: I'm not there.
Live in my absence as in a house.
Absence is such a large house
that you'll walk through the walls,
hang pictures in sheer air.
Absence is such a transparent house
that even being dead I will see you there,
and if you suffer, Love, I'll die a second time.
I am not jealous
Of what came before me.
Come with a man on your shoulders,
Come with a hundred men in your hair,
Come with a thousand men between your breasts and your feet,
Come like a riverfull of drowned men
Which flows down to the wild sea,
To the eternal surf, to Time!
Bring them all
To where I am waiting for you;
We shall always be alone,
We shall always be you and I
Alone on earth
To start our life!
If You Forget Me
I want you to know
One thing.
You know how this is:if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.
Sonnet XCIV
If I die, survive me with such a pure force
you make the pallor and the coldness rage;
flash your indelible eyes from south to south,
from sun to sun, till your mouth sings like a guitar.
I don't want your laugh or your footsteps to waver;
I don't want my legacy of happiness to die;
don't call to my breast: I'm not there.
Live in my absence as in a house.
Absence is such a large house
that you'll walk through the walls,
hang pictures in sheer air.
Absence is such a transparent house
that even being dead I will see you there,
and if you suffer, Love, I'll die a second time.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
For you...
This is for you, you who have changed me for ever, for the better; you who have made me fall in love with myself, and made me realize selfworth; you who have made most of my dreams come true; you who have never failed to irritate me, and also never failed to make me smile even during the hardest times.....I love you.
I was aimless.
You showed me the light.
When I was down and weak,
You held me tight.
You left me with regrets few,
So let me say, Thank You!
You cocooned my life,
With the love that has grown,
Slow and for so long,
And all the kindness shown.
Let me give back, I'll start anew,
By saying once more, Thank You!
Any difference, we'll try and mend,
You'll always remain my best friend.
I was aimless.
You showed me the light.
When I was down and weak,
You held me tight.
You left me with regrets few,
So let me say, Thank You!
You cocooned my life,
With the love that has grown,
Slow and for so long,
And all the kindness shown.
Let me give back, I'll start anew,
By saying once more, Thank You!
Any difference, we'll try and mend,
You'll always remain my best friend.
Happy Birthday:).
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Diwali crafts.
A friend is giving a stall at her apartment complex during the Diwali...she has painted diyas beautifully, wrapped them and intend to sell these. Yesterday we sat down and painted a few glasses to be sold as tea lights...after being filled up with gel wax....but with a diwali theme. I felt alive after a long time....such creative activities are very invigorating.....freshens my mind.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
It's raining since morning.......Bangalore needs a makeover...must be made into something like Paris(I survive on lofty dreams!) complete with bistros with sit outs, neat walkable sidewalks(so that one can just wander about aimlessly)....why....because of it's weather. It's romantic all year round...summer, autumn, winter, the rainy times.....it should be projected as India's love city!
Sunday, October 19, 2008
The last week....
Cutie is part of a dance programme to be performed during the Diwali festivities...ha ha....it's hilarious, it's heartwarming, it's such a moment of pride....my baby is growing up:). Every evening she goes for rehearsals! She shakes her booty just fine!
Had a party last night at our place....had cooked a elaborate three course meal...
Starter-Bekti fish fry
Main course-Peas pulao
Khud Pukht Qureshi(a lentil dish served at the royal
courts...the recipe book stated so!)
Mattar Makhana Korma
Mutton
Dessert-Bhapa Doi
Ras Malai
Everything came out so very well that I was taken aback. I couldn't believe my taste buds! My guests loved the food and had generous portions of everything(a good sign). The children ran wild and had great fun...fighting, crying, pushing, yelling, and also hugging, holding hands, kissing...:)
I don't understand this phenomena..my natural affinity towards people from Bihar, now partly Jharkhand...I usually end up liking somebody, become friends and then realize, "oh!, you are a Bihari!"(and to start with I like so few people), and to think about it I hardly knew a single Bihari before I got married....there is something uncanny about this whole thing....cannot really put my finger on it. New friends I made in the apartment..Biharis; gym instructor...Bihari.....; even my maid..she is a Tamil alright, but born and raised in Jamshedpur..thus speaks very good hindi, hard to find here down south......serendipity!
I was offered to join a women's kitty, and I said yes...big deal...given how I abhorred the very idea of gossiping and wasting time....but what the heck. I need to be social, for my cutie's sake, I don't want her to grow up lonely.
Had a party last night at our place....had cooked a elaborate three course meal...
Starter-Bekti fish fry
Main course-Peas pulao
Khud Pukht Qureshi(a lentil dish served at the royal
courts...the recipe book stated so!)
Mattar Makhana Korma
Mutton
Dessert-Bhapa Doi
Ras Malai
Everything came out so very well that I was taken aback. I couldn't believe my taste buds! My guests loved the food and had generous portions of everything(a good sign). The children ran wild and had great fun...fighting, crying, pushing, yelling, and also hugging, holding hands, kissing...:)
I don't understand this phenomena..my natural affinity towards people from Bihar, now partly Jharkhand...I usually end up liking somebody, become friends and then realize, "oh!, you are a Bihari!"(and to start with I like so few people), and to think about it I hardly knew a single Bihari before I got married....there is something uncanny about this whole thing....cannot really put my finger on it. New friends I made in the apartment..Biharis; gym instructor...Bihari.....; even my maid..she is a Tamil alright, but born and raised in Jamshedpur..thus speaks very good hindi, hard to find here down south......serendipity!
I was offered to join a women's kitty, and I said yes...big deal...given how I abhorred the very idea of gossiping and wasting time....but what the heck. I need to be social, for my cutie's sake, I don't want her to grow up lonely.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Timepass...
Love this song...
Watched this movie today..Music and Lyrics, starring my all-time favourite Hugh Grant, and Drew Barrymore. Very cute movie...I am sucker for romantic comedies...anytime, anyday! The entire movie is about this song and how it got composed. Nice one.
Watched this movie today..Music and Lyrics, starring my all-time favourite Hugh Grant, and Drew Barrymore. Very cute movie...I am sucker for romantic comedies...anytime, anyday! The entire movie is about this song and how it got composed. Nice one.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Just a passing thought...
I just realized....this is another October...can't believe....how time flies......one whole year just passed by...
This Durga Puja was exceptionally eventful and happy for us. We actually pandal hopped...can you beat it!!! We had a super sumptuous bengali Mahabhoj...a spectacular spread of authentic bengali dishes...at such times you actually wish you were a glutton of sorts.....what a waste, we can hardly eat.
Cutie had a wonderful time, I am so satisfied that we could do something to make her this happy.Dusshera was uneventful though. Being brought up in a remote place in West Bengal, I have never really seen Ramleela and the burning of Ravana. Once during this time we were in Jhansi, I guess I had seen a part of Ramleela then. But someday I'd really love to see how this festival is for non-bengalis. For bengalis Dashami or the Dusshera day is usually a sad one, it's the end of Durga Puja. The immersion ceremony always makes me sad.
Now looking forward to our birthdays, and Diwali...all of which fall almost at the same time.
An afterthought....Ram and Ravana...good and evil..really? Was everything that Ram did happened to be right? Didn't Ravana have any goodness in him. Why is right and wrong always so harshly demarcated.....always white and black, when there exist a prominent gray in every human.
Example....I often cry when I hear a street dog whimper in pain; I blindly believe when my maid talks about her sufferings and don't think twice before giving away money and things; I try not to hurt anybody on purpose; I hardly lie.
Example....when someone asks for a spare gas cylinder I make excuses and don't usually comply; I am not too fond of other people's children....they are fine from a distance; I sometimes discuss people behind their back; judge people baselessly....etc etc....can go on forever.
What am I....white, black or gray???
Cutie had a wonderful time, I am so satisfied that we could do something to make her this happy.Dusshera was uneventful though. Being brought up in a remote place in West Bengal, I have never really seen Ramleela and the burning of Ravana. Once during this time we were in Jhansi, I guess I had seen a part of Ramleela then. But someday I'd really love to see how this festival is for non-bengalis. For bengalis Dashami or the Dusshera day is usually a sad one, it's the end of Durga Puja. The immersion ceremony always makes me sad.
Now looking forward to our birthdays, and Diwali...all of which fall almost at the same time.
An afterthought....Ram and Ravana...good and evil..really? Was everything that Ram did happened to be right? Didn't Ravana have any goodness in him. Why is right and wrong always so harshly demarcated.....always white and black, when there exist a prominent gray in every human.
Example....I often cry when I hear a street dog whimper in pain; I blindly believe when my maid talks about her sufferings and don't think twice before giving away money and things; I try not to hurt anybody on purpose; I hardly lie.
Example....when someone asks for a spare gas cylinder I make excuses and don't usually comply; I am not too fond of other people's children....they are fine from a distance; I sometimes discuss people behind their back; judge people baselessly....etc etc....can go on forever.
What am I....white, black or gray???
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Maha Oshtomi
It was a perfect day. Went to the pandal in the evening....met up with friends....hubby met his friends, cutie met her friends(including her very first boyfriend!), I had a nice chat with my friends. Bought dinner and came back late...had a sumptuous meal....sipping a wonderful French white wine right now(thanks to a friend who gifted these bottles)...and feeling very very satiated and sleepy. And a little sad...for no apparent reason.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Durga Puja
Today is Maha Saptomi...had gone to the pandal both yesterday and today. Didn't expect this kinda crowd here...so far away from Kolkata. I remember, before cutie came in our lives we hardly made any effort to celebrate Durga Puja in any special way, infact in these 8 long years we have hardly been to pandals. We never even went to Kolkata until last year, that is after cutie came home. Strange, being bengalis....but then WE ARE STRANGE!
Last year cutie had a blast in Kolkata, she pandal hopped with her grandpa, firmly seated on her stroller. She even danced to the magical beats of dhaak....who says she is not a bengali...she has been sent for us, she is a bengali at heart. This year she is really excited...as evening approaches she becomes restless, asks me to dress her up in her new dresses, sits patiently as I tie her unruly curls into disciplined plaits...and she is ready to go.
Somehow her excitement has permeated through us, we are also liking the feel of this years puja...for the first time in many years we are looking forward to each coming day...we are dressing up, we are eating well, more importantly I am cooking everyday(which has become very very rare these days), atleast one special dish for my foodie husband. Something's in the air...some kind of magic.
Now I know....when you have someone really special to share something good with, it is then that you actually feel happy. Cutie has filled up my life, my world. Bless her.
Last year cutie had a blast in Kolkata, she pandal hopped with her grandpa, firmly seated on her stroller. She even danced to the magical beats of dhaak....who says she is not a bengali...she has been sent for us, she is a bengali at heart. This year she is really excited...as evening approaches she becomes restless, asks me to dress her up in her new dresses, sits patiently as I tie her unruly curls into disciplined plaits...and she is ready to go.
Somehow her excitement has permeated through us, we are also liking the feel of this years puja...for the first time in many years we are looking forward to each coming day...we are dressing up, we are eating well, more importantly I am cooking everyday(which has become very very rare these days), atleast one special dish for my foodie husband. Something's in the air...some kind of magic.
Now I know....when you have someone really special to share something good with, it is then that you actually feel happy. Cutie has filled up my life, my world. Bless her.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
A wish....
I wish upon a shooting star,
On this long lonely night,
That you who's in a place so far,
May never have to fight,
With the demons of heartbreak,
In this cruel ruthless world,
So full of deceit and emotions fake,
May you be strong and never a coward.
You are good, and you are brave,
So never try and change.
You've had your share, with fate a close shave.
May you be happy now, out of grief's range.
Believe me, I'll always pray,
Be content, be complete, you may, you may...
© 2008 Rituparna Das
ABAB ABAB ABAB AA...rhyming pattern. An amateurish effort.....learning, learning.
On this long lonely night,
That you who's in a place so far,
May never have to fight,
With the demons of heartbreak,
In this cruel ruthless world,
So full of deceit and emotions fake,
May you be strong and never a coward.
You are good, and you are brave,
So never try and change.
You've had your share, with fate a close shave.
May you be happy now, out of grief's range.
Believe me, I'll always pray,
Be content, be complete, you may, you may...
© 2008 Rituparna Das
ABAB ABAB ABAB AA...rhyming pattern. An amateurish effort.....learning, learning.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Desired dilemma
Shackled in monotony
How I long to run wild
Just a day or two maybe
Free and happy like a child
Perhaps the misty mountains
Or the deep dark forest calls
Where there is nothing certain
No goals, and promises false
Caught in the grip of passing clouds
Shrouded by the darkness of unknown
Deep down in my heart for so long
This longing has slowly grown
To break every rule and disobey
A desire to run away someday
© 2008 Rituparna Das
A first attempt at sonnet writing, following a rhyming pattern of ABCB ABCB ABCB AA.
How I long to run wild
Just a day or two maybe
Free and happy like a child
Perhaps the misty mountains
Or the deep dark forest calls
Where there is nothing certain
No goals, and promises false
Caught in the grip of passing clouds
Shrouded by the darkness of unknown
Deep down in my heart for so long
This longing has slowly grown
To break every rule and disobey
A desire to run away someday
© 2008 Rituparna Das
A first attempt at sonnet writing, following a rhyming pattern of ABCB ABCB ABCB AA.
Secret love
I stood waiting forever,
With this dream in my heart,
And someone like you in my head.
From reality far apart.
One windy night, you did walk in.
The realization left me awstruck.
Eyes met and you smiled.
I could hardly believe my luck.
You will never be mine.
And strangely I don't regret.
That you exist, is enough.
I am content loving you in secret.
© 2008 Rituparna Das
I've stolen the title from a Bee Gees song.
With this dream in my heart,
And someone like you in my head.
From reality far apart.
One windy night, you did walk in.
The realization left me awstruck.
Eyes met and you smiled.
I could hardly believe my luck.
You will never be mine.
And strangely I don't regret.
That you exist, is enough.
I am content loving you in secret.
© 2008 Rituparna Das
I've stolen the title from a Bee Gees song.
Caffeinated contemplation.
It's past midnight,
And I am still awake.
Hubby's watching a movie,
And cutie's fast asleep.
I yawn and I'm so tired,
Yet the time doesn't seem right.
What could've gone so wrong?
Oh now I think I remember.
It's a cup of evening tea,
Oh that caffeine's my enemy.
So how do I kill the time?
Listening to another song?
And I am still awake.
Hubby's watching a movie,
And cutie's fast asleep.
I yawn and I'm so tired,
Yet the time doesn't seem right.
What could've gone so wrong?
Oh now I think I remember.
It's a cup of evening tea,
Oh that caffeine's my enemy.
So how do I kill the time?
Listening to another song?
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