Godly gibberish

I don't come from an inordinately religious family. My parents have a Guru, they firmly believe in Him, the Guru has become God, my mom feeds him, talks to him, chants mantra etc etc....but they are essentially non-fussy, accepting, and (more than average)broad-minded people. They have never forced religion upon me, I am grateful.

Until a couple of years back I believed what they believe. Then I went through a very difficult phase in my life and started thinking about things differently, my equation with God changed drastically. In the process I have realized that whatever I ever REALLY wanted in life has been granted. Those that were denied, there was/is a higher purpose...I realized/realize posthumously, once the pain started/starts dying down. I completely believe in a higher power, I have experienced surreal situations when things were out of my control, a dream like feeling, and the outcome of my actions in such conditions have always been rewarding. I have taken many important decisions on impulse, when too tired to analyse anymore, when I felt that if I think another thought my head would burst.....and in most cases they worked....when there's no explanation there's God I say:).

I am in a dilemma today. Since childhood I have seen idol worship(as in offering food, water, chanting shlokas etc etc). I don't believe in all this. So I don't want to continue doing so. I believe God is a state of mind. God is the power to take right decision. God is the power to choose between right and wrong. God is to be a good and honest being. God is to be able to love, love so deeply that you forget to expect something in return. But then whenever I decide to stop these playhouse activities surrounding idols I feel guilty. Oprah Winfrey had once said that when in doubt don't do the thing. So I'd probably not stop doing what I was doing all these years. Hypocritical I know, but somehow I feel I owe this to my parents, especially my mom. We do so many mindless things everyday, this will not harm anybody.

However. I don't believe in the concept of human Gurus. I don't believe in any organised religion. I don't believe in the strength of any chanting. I believe in the human mind, the human heart, and what they are capable of achieving. Any kind of confinement, set ideas, set beliefs, ritualistic activities suffocate me. I believe that there is this innate energy that all of us are born with, and fail to nurture and provide it strength. So much power, energy is lost in pettiness, the mundane, in the constant struggle to race ahead. We have it in us, why rely on someone else, or some outer energy. What good does it do to spend half an hour in meditation when we can actually live life for that half hour and experience reality. What can be more strengthening than living life in real. What can be more calming than being able to continue beyond an obstacle in reality. What can be more fulfilling than to look back and say I have learnt from life!

My primary religion is living life itself. I don't want to run away from it and hide in some temple or ashram or behind another human being's/God man's thought process. I want to experience love in it's deepest form, joy and pain, however severe it is. I want to live life, as it comes, everyday.